Makeup Sorrow

Pouring out my soul 

Smokey pink/ purple.. If I can go back to this day I would. This picture was taken 7/15/2020 I remember I had nothing to do but I was doing my makeup. I feel horrible knowing I should of been more attentive to my surrounding ask everyone how are they how are they feeling.. Most importantly ask my dad how was he feeling. During that week I was too busy going out in the am for coffee and trying to find something at the mall etc. Also that day I went to have brunch with my sister and my thoughts was I'm going to go take my dad to eat one of these days. Plus I had plans to get him an outfit just because. I always thought "make sure you give all the love to your parents because you never know and I always had them near. Every time my dad spoke and ask for a hug I paid attention and gave him a hug right back because I knew if I wouldn't and something would happen to him it will hurt me so. During that week he ask for a hug and spoke to me, I never fought back even if he would of start. He was a grumpy old man and thats how I loved him. I also dance with him too , he usually loves to hear music loud in the living room, with his big radio and cassettes , yes he still used the cassettes.. He was vintage. He ask me to dance with him and put his arms open and so I dance and I remember thinking let me dance and how I'll remember this forever and right then I ask the girls to dance with their grandfather . I have so much memories that happen during those couple weeks. ugh as I sit here and write this the feeling is hard because I usually don't see him around because he will be outside or in his room or I'll see him in the corner with his friends, he lived upstairs.  So when I stop and think of him those would be the moments I'll see him or check up on him or he will come into my house and go to the yard. He loved to take the garbage out he was always helpful. He would water the plants in the yard and have the yard clean. All the little things he did I miss like eating , walking , scratching his head, the way he hold a cup the way he smile or look at me with a proud face. Watching him in font of the house as he stare at others walking in or by (he would usually be there for hours). Me giving him a plate of food/ sandwiches or his favorite donuts or cookies and him being thankful for it. During those weeks I got home with the girls and he was out front just standing and ask for a hug I remember that day so clear and the time I went out and he was with his friends by the store and took his arm out to give me high five and we hold hands. Sometimes I feel very down and like what the point of life when your not complete. I was so grateful for having my family complete and not that long ago I ask my self this is too good to be true and then Bam.. It took me with a deep wind off my chest.. seeing your dad pass is the worst feeling a daughter/son could ever happen.

I hope this is readable but I have too many things in my head that I am trying to pour everything out on here so I can go back and read this over and to not forget. My fear right now is forgetting and forgetting the feeling of those moments.